Extract from Behaviour Skills for Parents, Teachers and Support People – A focus on Autism, by Trevor Lewis
Managing teenage behaviour
Becoming a teenager is possibly one of the most important transitions we make in life. It is the ‘bridge’ between being a child and becoming what society terms ‘an adult’. In modern times, maybe the last fifteen years or so, teenage years seem to begin even before the child reaches their teenage years. Some 12 year olds, and even 11 year olds now engage in behaviours that once were the regime of 14 and 15 year olds. Where in turn, some 13 and 14 year olds now engage in behaviours that were once mainly seen only in 18 and 19 year olds. These behaviours may include sexual relationships, or seemingly more common – sex without the relationship, over indulging in alcohol, illicit drug use, and so on.
With these changes in society, it is no wonder that many parents either just give up, and let their 12 year olds, and older, just run wild, or they lose their patience, and maybe discipline them in ways that are both harmful and even illegal in some cases. It is with this in mind that I decided to write this, all be it short, chapter to hopefully assist parents in how to get their teenage children back on track, or at least aimed in the right direction. It isn’t easy, and just parents by themselves, without the support of other family members and hopefully the school, may still struggle to right the behaviours they are now experiencing the effects of. However, being armed with some ideas and strategies is better than struggling along with seemingly no hope of a brighter future for your teenage children, or by default – yourself.
In a different style from the rest of this book, I have set out some strategies alongside the more common issues parents now face. I hope this will be an easier option for you, in your obviously already hectic and stressful life managing your teenage child.
Swearing at, and/or talking back to Parents rudely, and defiance.
Firstly, learn to stay in control of your behaviour and the language you are using. If you raise your voice, or swear back, you are simply feeding into what they are looking for – a ‘power struggle’, or argument that they plan on winning one way or another.
If your teenager has ‘talked back’ (ie. “Why don’t you put the dishes away”, or “I’ll clean my room when I want to”), don’t answer back straight away. Wait a minute or so, then calmly but firmly give the request again. If they still reply with a similar refusal or rude comment, wait another 20 seconds or so before making any comment; then give the request again, explaining the positive consequence first, and then the negative consequence.
EG: “David, you need to clean your room now. Pickup up all the rubbish and place it in the bin, and put your dirty clothes in the laundry. If you do this now, we will have time to talk about that DVD you want to buy, if you don’t do this now, I won’t have time to talk to you about the DVD until tomorrow.”
Remember, we are not issuing a threat, or a punishment here, but more-so a natural consequence, good (positive) and bad (negative).
If you still have no success, simply repeat the process from step one. You need to show you can stay calm, but still insist on them completing the task – you will get your way, and they won’t get theirs – at least not until they have done what you requested first.
Lying
If you know it’s a lie that you are being told, don’t get angry, instead simply point out that you know they are not being truthful and if they won’t tell you the truth, then you won’t discuss the issue with them anymore. But – because this doesn’t really solve the issue, and your teenager may believe they have found a way of avoiding telling the truth, this isn’t the end of the strategy. Though you do tell them you won’t discuss the issue anymore, you instead direct them to write down what the ‘real story’ is. Often teenagers, children, and sometimes adults find it hard to admit face to face to something they have done wrong, and so lie instead. However, many will find it easier to write down their admission of what really happened and hand this to the person concerned.
If they refuse to write down what the ‘real story’ is, tell them (only when you are calm) that you are “disappointed in them”. This is often more effective than telling them you are angry or displaying anger. This will hopefully see them think about what has happened, and eventually they will come around to telling you the truth, or at least think more carefully next time about being truthful with you.
Associating with a ‘bad crowd’
Some teenagers seem to be magnets to troublemakers. That is, the friends they have are almost always ‘bad’, in that they are in trouble with teachers, police, or just generally not nice kids.
Firstly we need to ask ourselves ‘Is my teenager in fact the ‘bad one’?’ Whether they are or not, it is usually when there is a group or audience that your child will behave in an unacceptable way. This is what is often termed ‘peer pressure’, or being encouraged by others to do what they would not usually do.
The strategy for dealing with this is very simple, yet very hard to implement without 100% commitment and consistency from you. If you don’t have this, then you might as well give up – and of course if you give up, you are possibly resigning to the fact your child will get themselves deeper and deeper into trouble as they get older.
So number one – DON’T GIVE UP! That is your son, your daughter – you brought them into this World, and I am sure that even if it’s deep down you want them to be as successful as you are, if not more successful. Don’t let a few months, maybe a couple of years, hard work parenting put you off helping your teenager get back on the right track.
Strategy steps:
1) DON’T GIVE UP!
2) Do some research. Find out where they really go, who they are really hanging around with, and the most common days and times this happens. We will call these the ‘trouble times’.
3) Start filling in your teenagers ‘trouble times’ with fun activities with you. When I say fun, I mean what they would call fun, not what you would call fun. Make an agreement with them…
For more information in helping support teenagers and others with unwanted behaviour get your copy of Behaviour Skills for Parents, Teachers and Support People – A focus on Autism, by Trevor Lewis